Now that I am divorced, I often tell people that I should have done it sooner. I lived an unhappy life for many years. Gosh, now that I think about it, I endured my marriage for about 15 years. I knew quite early on when I had doubts about my marriage. Then my ex got pregnant and I settled into the business of parenthood. Try as I might to have a happy marriage, it did not materialise. I controlled myself and never showed my children that I wanted to break up the family. However, it became harder and harder as the years rolled on.
Twice, during some big arguments, I shouted that I wanted a divorce. I could not contain myself those two times. I remember the second time it happened. I was about to go grocery shopping. Usually, the maid and the children would follow me. The Spice Children looked forward to playing at the indoor playground at the hypermarket.
That morning, after I shouted the word “divorce”, we left for Giant, Kelana Jaya without my ex. Everybody in the car was quiet. When we got to the hypermarket, Paprika ran ahead of me towards the playground. I called out to her not to run too far ahead but did not stop her. The last time she heard me utter the word “divorce”, she stood between her mother and me and said, “Stop arguing! Stop!”
When I reached the indoor playground, I could not see Paprika anywhere. I panicked. I looked for her amongst the other children running and climbing the playground equipment. I could not see her at all. So I called out her name, “Paprika! Paprika!” but she did not answer. I looked high and low for her amongst the children. I felt afraid that I had lost her!
Then I saw her. She was sitting by herself on a bench, crying. I called her softly but she did not answer me. I walked over and sat beside her. I did not say a word, nor did I comfort her. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like a fool. I felt utterly selfish. Finally, when I found my courage, I stroked her head and told her not to worry. I told her everything would be okay. She hid her face in her shirt and refused to look at me.
I remember not telling her that I would not divorce her mother. I could not bring myself to lie to her but I thought to myself, I would not hurt my beautiful daughter like this again.
After that, I resigned myself to keeping the family together for the sake of the children. I suffered a loveless and meaningless marriage for the sake of my children. I only lived in my marriage for them…. for as long as I could.
I kept this photo in my phone and still keep it till today. My dear Paprika was only eight when she had to endure the possibility of her parents divorcing. I cannot imagine what she thought. Maybe she thought she would not have a father or mother. Maybe she thought she would not have a family like other children. Maybe she thought she would never be happy again.
And I endured my marriage for another six years before throwing in the towel. By then, the children were old enough to understand.
Every time I see this photo, I remind myself, “I will never hurt my beautiful children ever.”
Pepper's World. Notes to myself. 